Once Upon a Dennis

This isn't a blog to complain about boys and I won't do it very often. But I just had to blog about the D.E.N.N.I.S System. So here goes. 
One day, a friend of mine taught me this system. It actually comes from the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia but it has mostly just helped me realize just how badly I got played (multiple times...) and how low some guys really are.




D.E.N.N.I.S. is a beautiful acronym. It stands for:

• Demonstrate Value
• Engage Physically
• Nurture Dependence
• Neglect Emotionally
• Inspire Hope
• Separate Entirely

This may have happened to some of you. Mostly, if you've ever been through a break up, then you have probably been D.E.N.N.I.S-ed. Unless you were the one doing the D.E.N.N.I.S-ing in which shame on you. Unless he deserved it.
Here is an example, so you can see if you are being DENNIS-ed.


Disclaimer: If I have ever been romantically affiliated with you I may or may not be talking about you. But...don't take it personally. In fact I wouldn't recommend reading this at all, but if you really want to, then maybe you'll gain a little perspective.
Also, to everyone, don't hate me for this. I don't know why you would, but you never know.
Lastly, this is just my interpretation of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system. Feel free to come up with your own interpretation.




The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

• Demonstrate Value

This may begin with a guy starting to text you a lot, hang around you a lot, be a lot nicer to you, make you feel special. Much flirting takes place in this stage. The phrases "You didn't give me a hug!" or "Text me, kay?" or "I am about to DENNIS you. Be prepared, oh foolish one." may or may not be thrown out there. It's very subtle. You'll never see it coming. Or maybe you will. In this stage, the guy is going to make you believe that he WANTS YOU.

• Engage Physically

Once it's obvious that you two seem to dig each other, maybe you'll hook up, maybe you won't. But you'll probably start holding hands, he'll put his arm around you, heck, maybe he'll even kiss you. Mostly though, he is just satisfying the crap out of his hormones.

• Nurture Dependence

At this point, he will make you believe that you simply cannot live without him. Phrases such as "you know you can't live without me." (direct quote, I swear) and "we need to hang out 24/7 so that once I dump you you'll feel hopelessly alone." may be thrown out there. You may even end up believing that you are IN LOVE with this guy. He may start to distance himself a little bit so as to drive you crazy. But mostly, you would do anything for this guy. Think Grenade by Bruno Mars, because thats pretty much what it is.

• Neglect Emotionally

This is the part when he starts to distance himself from you. Starts being a little ruder, stops returning your calls or texts, and while he may really enjoy making out with you he really couldn't care less about your feelings. He will mostly make you feel like the most worthless being on the planet, that hoe face. He will never complement you, ever. And don't even bother saying "I love you" because he will just laugh you to scorn.

• Inspire Hope

This is the part where you are sure the break up is coming any day now. For the past few weeks things just haven't been the same. He's been distant, even rude. You try to ask him whats going on and he will probably just say something like "I'm busy." (It's a classic.) You are trying to prepare emotionally for the looming separation, but you just don't want to lose your "best friend". You simply cannot imagine life without your forever buddy. In this stage, he will probably come back to you one last time, out of the blue, and act like its not over just yet. He'll get in one last kiss, or hug, and tell you he really cares, and just when you had hope that things might work out...

• Separate Entirely

Your best bet now is to just move on. Because he will avoid you. And when you try to talk to him he will look at you like you are a disease. And/or treat you like the lowest scum of the earth. As far as he figures, he never even knew you.


The fun thing about the D.E.N.N.I.S. system is sometimes, guys don't even know they've done it to you. But it's true. You have been D.E.N.N.I.S-ed. I hope you feel educated now, and ready to go out and take on the world with this new perspective!


To any guy I have ever been romantically affiliated with: Um...I told you so.
To everyone else: I LOVE YOU!


Peace!