Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Kaela's Not-So Realistic College Guide: Chapter 1. Marriage Hungry Males


Well folks, today was my first day of institute. That's right, I haven't given up on UVU just yet. I'm taking two institute classes, because I figured that I wasn't doing much with my life and I needed something to preoccupy myself. So I'm taking the second half of Book of Mormon and a class called "The Teachings of Thomas S. Monson" which is an extremely cool class. Oh, and Book of Mormon is taught by Brother Knowlton. When I promised myself that I would not graduate high school until I had taken a class from him, I meant it.

There are many other, more complicated reasons I decided to take two institute classes back to back. All of which I will probably never share on this blog. However, I am not here to talk about why I am taking institute this summer, or even how great my classes are (because, just accept that they are. I'm pretty excited.)

I am here today to blog about this. Remember this puppy? Note the part where I said "Return missionaries can sometimes be likened to a pack of hungry wolves, on the prowl for an unsuspecting female they can eat. I mean marry." Well I was joking. Half joking. That is a stereotype I throw around a lot, but after my first semester of college where not only did zero marriage hungry RM's try to eat me, but any guy I interacted with thought I was a porn addict, (I miss those days. More than I can possibly, rationally express) I realized that my fears of crossing one of these stereotyped marriage crazed RM's were pretty irrational.


Before I get into what happened, I have a confession to make. I, in my college experience, have already formed some rather bad habits. Skipping class was one of them, but it ended up being a win win situation because I still passed both of my classes.
My other bad habit was lying. Lying about who I really am. I had too much pride to admit that I was not only still in high school, but not even a legal adult yet. I don't really see why I've done that...I really just wanted to fit in, but I also could have totally bragged about it. "Yeah...I'm 17...a sophomore in high school [meant to say college there...that's awkward]...no big deal..."

I will come back to that in a moment. But now, I am going to tell you what happened on this fateful spring day in May.

I walked into my Book of Mormon class and sat in the back because I was late. Brother Knowlton had us introduce ourselves to the people around us, so the guy I sat down next to turned to me and started talking. Within seconds, I realized that he was what I fear most: a marriage hungry return missionary.

All of the signs were there, I promise. Every time I try to explain this I end up sounding like a jerk, so suffice to say that I knew exactly what was going through his mind and it scared the Schachter Two Factor out of me. As in, I started to feel the physiological symptoms of fear, so I cognitively labeled my emotion as fear. Eh, eh, still remember psychology after the test, because of my great mnemonic device!! Whatup buddy!!

Ahem. Anyways, after that whole experience that left me shaking, I walked into the UVU library and I almost started to cry. Not because of the experience I had just had, but because the library reminds me of delicious cinnamon bagels. And I did not have any way to get a cinnamon bagel. Because...I left my wallet at home. So I went and got on a computer...without a cinnamon bagel. And I thought of all the great times I'd had in that library...eating cinnamon bagels.

I had a cinnamon bagel yesterday during the AP Psych test...let me tell you...it was delicious. I loved the way it made my hands all sticky.

Moooooooooving on.

While I was sitting in the library, I decided that I needed a plan for the next time I encounter a marriage hungry RM, or in reality a marriage hungry male of any size shape or form. Please understand that I don't hate RM's by any means...I am just terrified of the ones who think they need to get married RIGHT AWAY. Also, it scares me when older guys try to flirt with me. In fact it makes me really, really uncomfortable.

So, my friends, these are the solutions my brain came up with.

The Underage
Also known as the "Jailbait," this method requires the you to inform the marriage seeker that you are under 18 and still in high school. This is what I should have done, but didn't.

Effectiveness: This should be highly effective, if you are, for the most part, being truthful. I'm sure the older and farther into college you get, the less believable it is. Especially if you are say, living in the dorms. If this method is not effective, and you are actually still technically considered "jailbait" then feel free to combine it with another method, such as the....

"I'm Waiting for Someone"
This requires you to inform the marriage seeker that your lover has gone away...for 24 months...to some foreign land...wearing a tie! Casually slipping it into the conversation is the most practical way to go

Effectiveness: I honestly don't know how effective this is, but I'm sure there will come a day when I will test it out. I really think it depends on how determined the guy is. For the most part, I think it should be moderately effective, but not nearly as effective as the...

Fake Wedding Ring
I don't have the words to describe this, so I drew a picture.

I didn't draw these, but I feel like they also portray just how effective this method is.

Effectiveness: Highly effective. Basically about as effective as it gets. This is so effective it hurts. A ring on your left hand ring finger will work not unlike a magical force field. The only way this may lose some of its effectiveness is if the guy starts asking about your husband, because then you have to start making up stuff on the spot, unless you planned out a story already. Which would be a little weird. But not as weird as the...

"I Have a Child"
It's worth a shot.

Effectiveness: Unknown. This also falls under the category of doing weird things in general. Some of which include, but are not limited to...dancing, burping, crying, rapping, making weird noises with your throat, talking excessively about cats, etc.
"Totally Clueless"
This is the method I tried, and I'm just gonna say right now that it doesn't work. It involves reverting back to a primitive state of non intelligence where you realize you don't know how to interact with this type of human being so you do what comes naturally, which in my case unfortunately involved acting clueless and lying about myself to feed the prideful monster inside of me....and I did not use any of the aforementioned methods.

Effectiveness: It isn't.

Now, these methods are not 100% guaranteed. In the same way taking medicine and eating an apple every day is not 100% guaranteed to keep you from getting sick. This is why people invest in health insurance.

And THIS is why I invest in TEMPLE INSURANCE!!!

2015, baby. 2015.


P.S. This blog was not meant to be offensive to anyone. I don't have anything against return missionaries, I have everything against people who are willing to marry any girl in the room as long as she knows how to breathe and birth children. There, of course, are much more logistic reasons for why I am terrified to get married too young and even why I am writing this blog....I just want you all to understand that I'm not a hater of RM's...I'm just afraid of really weird things. Like, getting my face wet for example. And backtracked music. So...lets not judge. The end.


Morgan said...

ha ha fake wedding ring. I love it!

Carrots said...

Kaela, this was so funny that not only did I read it and nearly fall out of my chair laughing, I read it out loud to everybody occupying the Journalism lab (which was a lot) and we ALL nearly fell out of our chairs. You have a real gift.