Thursday, April 7, 2011

*Vomit*

Before I begin, I'm issuing an apology for the title. I read in some dictionary, once upon a time, that the word "vomit" is classified as vulgar. But the dictionary was from the 80's, so maybe it was outdated and this apology is irrelevent.

Moving on.

Now, before I really begin, I'm issuing a disclaimer. If you didn't pick it up from the title, which you may not have because it was pretty vague/possibly vulgar, this is me vomiting out everything that has been on my mind. And let's be honest. Of my 15 followers, and other people who randomly tell me that they've read my blog, I'm gonna guesstimate a round number of 3 people will actually read this post. Kat, possibly a religious leader/my mom, and some person I've never met from Indonesia. Does indonesia even have computers?

Moving on...

Just tell me in the comments whether I was right or wrong. In other words, it would be nice to know who reads my blog.

Is anybody even reading this right now?

Sometimes, I like to play a game called "so and so isn't listening to me, so I can say whatever I want about him and he won't have a clue." Ladies, TRY IT. It's fun stuff. But anyways, that's sometimes how I feel. What if I started talking about Yon Soo on here, because she took one look at the title, thought "ew, that's gross." and didn't actually end up reading this blog, little did she know she was actually mentioned in it!

Just kidding. I'm pretty sure Yon Soo will read this. I guess I'm just setting myself up for an awkward situation if it turns out she didn't read it. "Hey Yon Soo, so...did you read my blog?" "Um...no." "Oh okay. Never mind then. Er...don't." *hastily removes mention of Yon Soo from blog, making this entire paragraph redundant. So if you find yourself not reading this paragraph, then you'll know that the before mentioned conversation must have happened.

And the sad thing is, I'm not even started on what I really was going to talk about.

Okay, here goes.

I may have mentioned in past blogs, or maybe not, that a lot of things have been unlike a fast food restaurant, in that things have not been going my way. Maybe I will go to Burger King sometime, just so I can have things done my way. NOT. Ew. Anyways, I was looking forward to a lot of things. During March I tried out for a lot of stuff. I applied for a couple jobs, went in and followed through several times, trying to make a real effort to actually score a job. I applied to be an editor in Journalism next year. I tried out for Acapella. I applied to be a supervisor at Seven Peaks, which is a position I've been working hard for the past 2 years.

And lo and behold, the end of March/beginning of April were judgement day for pretty much all of those things. And, for all of the hard work and effort I put into everything (except for Acapella, but I wasn't too motivated for that anyways) I...did not expect what happened.
  • Journalism Editor: Denied
  • Acapella: Nope
  • Supervisor: (Not 100% sure on this one yet, but since the starting date was March 30th and I didn't get a call, I'm counting that as a NO.)
  • Other job applications that I actually wanted to get: Even after following through several times, I never even got a call.
  • ACT: After studying long and hard, I still didn't score high enough to get into BYU.
I'm not saying all of these things to complain or sound ungrateful. I'm just saying, I've failed at a lot of things that were really important to me lately.

And how did I cope? I bought a $420 dress for Prom.

The day I bought it was the same day I read the list for Journalism. And I've been meaning to talk about this event anyways, so here goes: Not getting chosen to be an editor was....disapointing...because of a few reasons:
  • I had literally walked in the first day, and as they introduced the editors, I thought, "That's gonna be me next year." I set a goal, and was determined to work hard for it.
  • Which I did. I worked hard to write the best article I could, knowing about 70% of the time that it would be an article that nobody would read. Even when everyone else was turning in late drafts that were half finished, I stayed up late to write the best article I could so that I could turn it in on time the next day.
  • And even though I was disappointed when I got articles that I knew would be hard to write, I still said to myself, "I have to do a good job. I need to make a good impression. I'm going to make a challenge out of this. I'm going to make this article about the PTA so good that even though it's a boring subject, people are going to want to read it anyways.
  • And even though sometimes my articles ended up being so boring that even I skimmed over it when I read the newspaper....I kept putting forth my best effort, hoping that the next time I would get an article I could prove myself with.
  • And let's be honest, I've never been extremely good at anything. I've never been the person who people are like "You know Kaela, right? The girl who is extremely good at...underwater skateboarding?" But I actually felt like I had a shot at being at editor.
  • And then, like all unwise people do, I started planning out how I could be a good editor. What I could do for the other staffwriters, how I could help them with their articles and how I would always get their drafts back, unlike the times when my editors haven't given me my drafts back, forcing them to just rewrite my whole article for me....which was a huge slap in the face, by the way. But that's a different story.
  • And so the night before the list was posted, I was nervous, but I felt so confident that I had made it. I felt both qualified and like I had worked hard for it.
And then I ran over to the list the moment it was posted, and when I didn't see my name under the editors, it was as though the whole year of wishing, working, praying came crashing down on me and something inside of me said, "you just weren't good enough."

The night before I also found out about the whole supervisor thing. It was the 2 things I had been working the hardest for, and...nope.

I realize this post is getting long...my apologies. For anybody still reading, WOW. You are a trooper. Tell me tomorrow and I'll give you a piece of candy. Seriously.

Anyways, I ended up getting over my bitterness about the editor ordeal when I heard Elder Packer's talk in General Conference.

"John, let it go."

That should sum it up. I tried to think of a more positive perspective. Now I won't have as much to do my senior year. I can kick back and relax and hang out with the new staff writers. It looks like we will have a really fun staff next year.

But yeah, that day I bought my dream dress. My thought process went something like this:
"I hate everything."
"I hate all people."
"I am a complete failure."
"I'm getting that dress."

So....as you can see....that totally makes sense. But really, I felt like I deserved at least one dream coming true, right? I'm double excited for prom now, at least.

But yeah, since then, it's just been one thing after another. I didn't even blink when I saw the Acapella list. Because, sadly enough, I had learned to expect it.

And now, to wrap up. And you have probably learned by now how long and off topic my introductions are, so you should expect a similar conclusion.

Today, I think I had the most meaningful lesson all year. It was a silent lesson about Joseph Smith.

Quick digression. Yesterday I was talking to my dad, and I said, "you know what? All of my friends will write cute things on their blogs, and talk about happy things and spring and Jesus and sunshine. All I write about is my PE class." And I figured I never write about anything religious and I probably won't because...that's just now how I roll. I guess I've always been more personal with that kind of stuff.

Buuuut I guess I just felt like sharing this. Today we had a silent lesson about Joseph Smith. Who undoubtedly suffered more than any of us....combined. Especially if only 3 people are reading this blog. Probably like 50 gazillion times the four of us. So after the lesson, we were asked to share our testimonies. And I talked about the verse in D & C 121:1 where Joseph says, "Oh God, where art thou?" which I've been reading over and over lately. And throughout the lesson it really hit me how he suffered so much. And that scripture always gives me comfort. Then I talked about how I know he is a true prophet, because of a bunch of reasons, and blah blah blah.

Don't you wish you could do that during sacrament? Bearing your testimony, "I know this church is true because...of stuff."

Anyways, later I was thinking about how crazy it was that I actually beared my testimony during seminary, and I remembered a couple verses that have always been my favorite about Joseph Smith and how come I didn't share them? So, if you go to JSH 1:28 and the first part of 29....you will read this verse:

28 During the space of time which intervened between the time I had the vision and the year eighteen hundred and twenty-three—having been forbidden to join any of the religious sects of the day, and being of very tender years, and persecuted by those who ought to have been my friends and to have treated me kindly, and if they supposed me to be deluded to have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me—I was left to all kinds of temptations; and, mingling with all kinds of society, I frequently fell into many foolish errors, and displayed the weakness of youth, and the foibles of human nature; which, I am sorry to say, led me into divers temptations, offensive in the sight of God. In making this confession, no one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins. A disposition to commit such was never in my nature. But I was guilty of levity, and sometimes associated with jovial company, etc., not consistent with that character which ought to be maintained by one who was called of God as I had been. But this will not seem very strange to any one who recollects my youth, and is acquainted with my native cheery temperament.

  29 In consequence of these things, I often felt condemned for my weakness and imperfections
 
Props if you read all of that. But yeah, that's basically how I feel. And it's good to know that Joseph Smith, when he was our age, still went through some of our same problems. And, look how great he became!
 
Anyways, it's comforting. So for the one person who is now still reading this blog, congratulations, you actually read the whole thing. It's long. Even I wouldn't have read it all. But thank you, you are my new best friend.
 
Peace!
 
 

5 comments:

Yon Solo said...

why wouldn't I read your blog? :)

Kate said...

I love you. So. MUCH.

Matt Woodruff said...

Kaela, you bring joy to my soul... literally. :) Lets play... today.. ;)

Anonymous said...

This is Andi. Reading your blog. But I don't have a blog and am too lazy to figure out any nice way to leave a message. So I am being anonymous. Except that I'm not. Because I told you my name. Because that was kind of the point. My gosh, I am tired. Anyway, just saying, HA, I commented after reading, which means at least FOUR people read this. Anyway... Yeah. This was way longer than I thought it would be. Sorry ^^;

Aubrey Noelle said...

Dearest Kaela,
I'm sooo excited for journalism. Promise to be nice to me and show me the ropes? Kay thanks :)