I'm a goal setter. It is just a fact of who I am. I love to work hard for things and to feel like I've really earned them.
....but...more often than not...I don't meet my goals. I don't get the thing I've been working as hard as I can for.
So I've learned that I shouldn't get my hopes up. Even when I tell myself, "You've worked hard. You deserve this." Because sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you've worked. Because the decision is always up to someone else who often doesn't realize how much you want it. Or maybe they know that you want it. But they don't want you. You don't match what they want.
I won't go into how badly it sucks when they come back later and say, "I was wrong about you. I should have picked you." because I know I worked hard enough to deserve it. Something just didn't line up on D-Day. Again, and again, and again.
I'm so tired of failure. But I feel so close. And I keep telling myself, don't get your hopes up Kaela. You know how much it hurts to get them crushed.
But I can't help it...
At least I've still got some time. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing.